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My first marriage was an abusive and toxic relationship and it took me a long time to realize it was not a normal loving relationship.  Many years later I did manage to find my courage and was able to walk away from it. It was painful and as I allowed myself to grieve while going through the ending process, I worked through the hurt and found that there was a valuable lesson lying just beneath the surface. In the book, A Course in Miracles, it teaches us that “darkness is to be brought to light, and not the other way around.” My walking away from this damaging relationship brought me from the darkness and into the light and although not a healthy relationship it was successful because of the lessons that I took from it.
What was, was and I am now living in the present moment and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would marry again. Â I knew in my heart that I could love again and opened up to receive this gift. Â I am now in a loving supportive new marriage and work daily at these lessons I learned along my path.
Let him be. I can’t fix him or change him and learned to let him be. This is one of the hardest lessons that I still have to work at and be mindful of when I slip into my old patterns. Releasing judgement and loving him entirely as he is and not as I think he should be. I learned to accept him with all his faults and difficulties and he has accepted me for mine.Â
Love yourself. “When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself”. This statement from A Course in Miracles is so profound and has deeply affected me. Once I learned to love myself again I became more deeply loving.
Communicate. Open, honest communication is a fundamental key in long term love. So many couples are afraid of honest communication. I learned from my last marriage that most of the time I couldn’t express myself. I lived in fear, which lead to shame and eventually I lost my power. Never again will I play victim and learn to be honest and share my feelings. I learned that we both have feelings and to supress them is unhealthy and builds to anger which will eventually explode. I would rather be happy then right and learned to support and understand my partner. No judgement or hard feelings just honest straight talk to ensure we are both understood. Marianne Williamson teaches “Acceptance doesn’t prohibit growth; rather, it fosters it.”
It takes a commitment from both partners and dedicated hard work from the deepest part of your soul to keep a relationship going. Oh sure it’s not easy and can be downright frustrating at times. You have to “keep the faith”.  Ask yourself this question, “How prepared am I to give and receive love in this marriage?” I’m all in, heart and soul when I ask myself this question.  Finally, you must value your own needs as well as the needs of your relationship. Remember to keep working on your own personal growth and participate in your hobbies. While doing so give loving support your partner to do the same. “A long term romance is like a rose bush. In any given season a blossom might fall off. But if the plant is well nourished, then the season will come around again, and new blossoms appear.”  Â
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In his book, Growing the Positive Mind, Dr. Bill Larkin reminds us that for a relationship to truly be successful and abundant it takes both people focusing 5 times more on the positive aspects of the other person than the negative. Â On paper it sounds fairly simple and attainable. However, when I started thinking back on past and present relationships be it with friends, clients, family or significant others, I began to discover that I have often lacked mindfulness and awareness in this area again and again.
This morning I woke up in a funk. This is most unusual for me. I wondered if it might have been caused by the change in the season. The calendar says we are heading into fall, but here in the Pacific Northwest summer just barely arrived. Yesterday, I turned on the air conditioner. No, I did not think it was the change in seasons.
As I sat for my early morning meditation, my mind was busier than usual. I felt like it was Washington National Airport. Thoughts were arriving and departing like jumbo jets. With some deep sensual breaths, I settled in and enjoyed the stillness. Thirty minutes passed like the a vapor.  The spirit of heaviness disappeared.  When I opened my eyes, the sun was beginning to peak through the shutters.
I realized this is a new day. I am brand new. Today is a gift. I chose to reach out and embrace it. I am so grateful for the opportunity to enjoy this day. 
Self-sabotage…it’s one of those things that we’ve all fallen victim to, yet seldom admit. Typically, it’s a subconscious belief about ourselves that manifests in our actions or some situations, inactions. Â For example, let’s say you have a goal to improve your health by eating better and exercising, but yet make excuses like, “I’ll start eating better next week because I have a party to attend this week”. Â This is basically telling yourself that you don’t believe you deserve good health all week because of what other people might think or that you don’t love yourself enough to begin to make small shifts in improving your food choices. You don’t believe you deserve to feel energetic. Â Do you remember the last time you ate a meal that you knew wasn’t a healthy choice? Â Did you feel highly energetic or did you feel like you wanted to lay down for a nap? Â These are all cues that our bodies are telling us. Â As we become aware and conscious on the inside, our choices and actions change for the better on the outside.![iStock_000016006931XSmall[1]](http://blog.morningcoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/iStock_000016006931XSmall1-150x150.jpg)
I’m sure I don’t speak alone when having to deal with a “Negative Nellie” family member. In my case, this family member reminds me of the “Pig Pen” character in Charlie Brown comic strip.  “He is referred to in the comic strip as the only person who gets dirty while walking in a snowstorm. He is surrounded by a cloud of dirt and dust and it follows him wherever he goes.” Like Pig Pen, her negative spirit lingers over her wherever she goes as she lives her life cloaked behind the mask of negativity.  You know the type of person I’m talking about? Drama, dysfunction and never has a good thing to say about anything. So how have I learned to deal with her?
